30 day challenge again (hopefully I can actually do it this time)

I want to try this again! 


Day 01 - Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 04 - Your views on religion.
Day 05 - A time you thought about ending your own life.
Day 06 - A photo of yourself and write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.
Day 10 – Someone who came into your life unexpected and made an impact.
Day 11 - Put your ipod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 – A photo of a cherished memory.
Day 15 - 5 people in your life right now who mean the most.
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
Day 18 – Something that makes you laugh.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.
Day 22 – Something you want to do before you die.
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 – Somewhere you would like to travel.
Day 25 – A photo you took.
Day 26 - What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 - A problem that you have had.
Day 28 - Something that you miss.
Day 29 - Goals for the next 30 days.
Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.

I Yam What I Yam

This is a reply to a Wordpress blog entry I read. I'm probably setting myself up for ridicule.. but I don't care. I'm not ashamed of who I am.

"I am 5’6″ and 211lbs. I am so far the heaviest one who has replied, but that doesn’t bother me! I love who I am, and I think I am beautiful. I carry a good chunk of weight in my chest. I bounce back and forth between a DD and a DDD, they are not tiny. That being said, that rest of me is thick as well, but I think it’s in a beautiful way! I am trying to tone up a little bit, for healths sake, but I don’t really want to change the way I look. I feel like I am the definition of a woman. I have curves that make me feel like a real woman. I can put on a shapeless dress and make it shaped in all the right places.
I haven’t always felt this way. This time last year I was 5’6″ and around 230lbs. When I was that weight I felt like a box. I still had curves, and a hefty chest, but I didn’t feel proud of myself. It took me a long time to get here, and I am proud of myself for doing it.
I believe that every woman should feel sexy just being a woman, knowing the power of the female body. Your body can hold life, your body was designed to nurture, and to feed. Your body is more than just skin and bones, your body is sacred. A lot of women get caught up in the fact that they don’t feel attractive when compared to Hollywood celebrities. First of all, how many of those celebrities are real? They have all been nipped and tucked, and photoshopped to look that good. Secondly, I bet you any amount of money that those celebrities feel insecure when comparing themselves to other celebrities. When looking at Angelina Jolie, the first thought is “God, I’d love her lips.” I bet she looks at Kim Kardashian and thinks, “I wish I had that booty”. Kim Kardashian probably looks at Jessica Alba and thinks, “I would kill to have that natural gorgeous smile”.
My point is that it’s natural for women to think, ‘I would love to have her *whatever*”, but we can’t lost sight of who WE are, and how special each and everyone of is. We are all different, and we all have different things that make us unique. I believe that what makes me unique is my smile, and my natural tanned skin, and my deep brown eyes. Rather than comparing my smile or eye to someone else I like to focus on the fact that there is no one in the world that looks exactly like me, and rather than focus on trying to be someone else I try to celebrate that no else is me!"

I wish more people could adopt this perspective. Granted, I don't always feel this way, but I try my best to remind myself that it's possible to be happy with who you are.

Sometimes a man gets carried away when he feels like he should be having his fun.

It's no surprise to anyone that I have issues with my father. If you know me than you know that my problems with him go back to my childhood. He has put me through more in my life than any other person. He is not directly hurtful, but it's his lack of action, and his habits that are what hurt. He is what most would consider a sex addict, particularly pornography. There is much more to it than that, but I have watched him destroy my family, and completely break down my mothers self-esteem and confidence. I have heard about things that he has done that he most likely could have been arrested for. I have seen first hand how sick he is, and I have been tossed aside by him many, many times. I had my life on the line, and he didn't choose me. However, I don't want to go into too much detail because this is is the internet after all.
The reason why this is becoming an entry is because I feel that I am the point in my life where I have to decide if it's worth it to keep a relationship with him. He is bringing no good to me, and he continues to hurt me indirectly. My mother saw through him (after way toooooo many years of putting up with his shit); however, he has a new girlfriend now that adores him, and would like to marry him one day, but she doesn't know everything he does behind her back. She doesn't know how sick he is. My mother and I often say that we're going to tell her anonymously. I don't think we ever actually will though. I know his girlfriend has already felt like she has issues trusting him. I only wish she knew the entire extent of it.
When I hear about things he has done, or see things that's still continuing to do I feel like I am 14 again, and that is a part of my life that I never, EVER wanted back. That's what makes me think I may just need to bite the bullet and cut him out of my life.
There's a saying by Eleanour Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I feel like he does that, every day. Every time I see his facebook status updates, and every time I see who he's recently friended, and every time he tells me about some woman from the bus. I feel like without knowing it he is turning me back into who I worked SO hard to get away from. He is putting me a position I don't want to be in. He is jeopardizing the trust I have in my partner because having him as the strongest male influence in my life, I was raised to believe that this is just the way men are.
Before I was even a teenager I had to watch him turn my brother into a jaded, possibly bipolar person who, unfortunately, does have some of the same habits as him. I had to watch him make my mother cry on a daily basis, and have her come running to me because of what he had done, and how she needed someone to talk to. I had to grow up faster than any child should ever have to because I had to be strong for my mother when her husband was hurting her. I had to tell my mother, when I was still a child that I wanted her to divorce him, because he was killing her, and I was scared one day he would kill me too. I saw things, and heard things that no child ever should.
All this being said, now I'm in a position where I have to decide if it's worth it to keep him in my life. He is most likely the number one re-occurring stressor that I deal with, and he makes me feel worse than anyone else I know. There are times I think about him and I can almost physically feel my heart sink. Why would anybody put up with this? Here's why.. Despite how much he hurts me and everyone I love, and despite the fact that he has lied, and refused the help he needs on many occasions, he is my father. He is my flesh, and blood, and he is a part of me. He will always be a part of me. I can't escape that. And being who I am, knowing he is a part of me makes it extremely hard for me to walk away. I am incapable of knowingly hurting another person. I don't have it in me. While I don't think he will be terribly distraught, or at least it wouldn't stop him from being who he is, I know deep down, under all the sickness he would be hurt. He likes having me around, he likes having someone to share music with, and youtube videos. He is sick, mentally ill. He doesn't realize what he is doing to me. That makes it harder than any other reason. He doesn't see how he affecting me, so he wouldn't understand when I leave. My common sense and everyone around me is telling me to cut him out, but my heart and my conscious tell me that I can't just turn around and never speak to him again. I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed. Either way I feel like I will end up hurting myself, as well as others.

I've been having some health issues lately that are starting to worry me.


Firstly, I've been getting headaches lately. Constant headaches. They feel like migraines, but I'm not sure they are. I was told that they are also attached to my eyes, I got a new prescription, and the dr. said it should help, but it's only made it worse. I wore the new glasses for like 2 weeks, and I had to go back to the old ones. I can't take the pain. I don't know what to do. I can't make the headaches go away.

I've also been having a really strange problem. Basically, I've been having blackouts during *that time* of the month. I don't completely pass out, but I lose focus and I can't see straight or think. The last time it happened I spent 3 hours trying to stop myself from passing out. Granted I was crazy stressed with school, but regardless. It was really scary. I've been diagnosed with 4 different things, and none of them have panned out. I am starting to get worried.

I work for my cousin for the summer. I take care of his daughter. She is my age, but she has something called a 1P36 Deletion, which means basically that she's about 2 years old mentally. She also has epilepsy. My biggest fear is that I'm going to have a blackout while she's having a seizure. It scares the hell out of me, especially if we're on the road.

I really want the dr's to figure out what's going on so I know how to plan my future.

30daychallengefail

Clearly I fail at this 30 day challenge. Haha.. so I'm just going to do them at leisure the way I want to. I'm such a disappointment. But it's my journal, and I can do whatever the shiz I want to!

The Art of Racing in the Rain

I have been reading a book over the last few months called The Art of Racing in the Rain, by Garth Stein. It was a beautiful book. It was about a dog named Enzo, and the story was written from Enzo's perspective. He follows his master Denny through his wife getting sick, and legal battles with his parents-in-law. This book made me laugh, and cry, very hard. I absolutely loved it. It made me wonder if dogs really think that way, and if they can really understand you... but they just can't communicate it to you. It also made me really miss Chloe. I know have Nikki now, but it's not quite the same as Chloe. She was my baby, I raised her. I had her since she was just a little thing. I used to think that she could actually understand me, because of the way she'd respond to me.  This book made me actually wonder if it was possible. I don't want to give away the ending; however, being that it's about a dog I'm pretty sure it's obvious how it ends.. that's where I cried. I closed the book at the end and called Nikki over, and cuddled the crap out of her. It made me feel better to have her there, but it just wasn't the same.

I spent last night thinking about Chloe, and all the memories I had with her. She came to me at the perfect time. I needed her, and she became my rock. People say dogs are just pets, but she was my best friend. She loved me, and my family so much. And she became a part of my family so fast. I remember a few days before we got her, my mother and I were on the driveway with her and she was running around as fast as her little legs could go. My mom turned to me and said, 'I think we should show her to your dad'. We took her inside and before we said anything my dad saw her and said, "Welcome to the family Chloe!". She fit in immediately. We had two other dogs at that point, and they both got along with her.

The night she died, ten years later, my mom and I were getting our dressed fitted for her wedding, and my step-dad called to say Chloe hadn't been feeling well the whole day. He called her again to tell her that we should come home because Chloe was declining, fast. We left, and on the way home I had a feeling that something was really wrong. We tried calling the house a few times on the way home and there was no answer. Then I knew something was really wrong. When we got home Larry and Jesse were sitting outside on the front porch, as we pulled up I could see there were tears in their eyes. They came over and told us that Chloe was gone. My mom and I both fell to floor in tears. Once I could compose myself I went in the back and said my goodbyes to her. That was a night that I'll never ever forget.

I whole-heartedly believe she sent me Nikki because she knew how lonely I was. She came to me at a time when I was lonely, and I needed someone. And when she was gone she sent me someone to fill that void. It will never be the same with Nikki, but having Nikki does fill that void.

I love you so much, Chloe. I'll never ever forget you.

Phenomenal Woman by Maya Angelou

This is a poem that every woman needs to remember, and when she ever doubts herself she should read it.     Phenomenal Woman Pretty women wonder where my secret lies. I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size But when I start to tell them, They think I'm telling lies. I say, It's in the reach of my arms The span of my hips, The stride of my step, The curl of my lips. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. I walk into a room Just as cool as you please, And to a man, The fellows stand or Fall down on their knees. Then they swarm around me, A hive of honey bees. I say, It's the fire in my eyes, And the flash of my teeth, The swing in my waist, And the joy in my feet. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Men themselves have wondered What they see in me. They try so much But they can't touch My inner mystery. When I try to show them They say they still can't see. I say, It's in the arch of my back, The sun of my smile, The ride of my breasts, The grace of my style. I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me. Now you understand Just why my head's not bowed. I don't shout or jump about Or have to talk real loud. When you see me passing It ought to make you proud. I say, It's in the click of my heels, The bend of my hair, the palm of my hand, The need of my care, 'Cause I'm a woman Phenomenally. Phenomenal woman, That's me.