It's no surprise to anyone that I have issues with my father. If you know me than you know that my problems with him go back to my childhood. He has put me through more in my life than any other person. He is not directly hurtful, but it's his lack of action, and his habits that are what hurt. He is what most would consider a sex addict, particularly pornography. There is much more to it than that, but I have watched him destroy my family, and completely break down my mothers self-esteem and confidence. I have heard about things that he has done that he most likely could have been arrested for. I have seen first hand how sick he is, and I have been tossed aside by him many, many times. I had my life on the line, and he didn't choose me. However, I don't want to go into too much detail because this is is the internet after all.
The reason why this is becoming an entry is because I feel that I am the point in my life where I have to decide if it's worth it to keep a relationship with him. He is bringing no good to me, and he continues to hurt me indirectly. My mother saw through him (after way toooooo many years of putting up with his shit); however, he has a new girlfriend now that adores him, and would like to marry him one day, but she doesn't know everything he does behind her back. She doesn't know how sick he is. My mother and I often say that we're going to tell her anonymously. I don't think we ever actually will though. I know his girlfriend has already felt like she has issues trusting him. I only wish she knew the entire extent of it.
When I hear about things he has done, or see things that's still continuing to do I feel like I am 14 again, and that is a part of my life that I never, EVER wanted back. That's what makes me think I may just need to bite the bullet and cut him out of my life.
There's a saying by Eleanour Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I feel like he does that, every day. Every time I see his facebook status updates, and every time I see who he's recently friended, and every time he tells me about some woman from the bus. I feel like without knowing it he is turning me back into who I worked SO hard to get away from. He is putting me a position I don't want to be in. He is jeopardizing the trust I have in my partner because having him as the strongest male influence in my life, I was raised to believe that this is just the way men are.
Before I was even a teenager I had to watch him turn my brother into a jaded, possibly bipolar person who, unfortunately, does have some of the same habits as him. I had to watch him make my mother cry on a daily basis, and have her come running to me because of what he had done, and how she needed someone to talk to. I had to grow up faster than any child should ever have to because I had to be strong for my mother when her husband was hurting her. I had to tell my mother, when I was still a child that I wanted her to divorce him, because he was killing her, and I was scared one day he would kill me too. I saw things, and heard things that no child ever should.
All this being said, now I'm in a position where I have to decide if it's worth it to keep him in my life. He is most likely the number one re-occurring stressor that I deal with, and he makes me feel worse than anyone else I know. There are times I think about him and I can almost physically feel my heart sink. Why would anybody put up with this? Here's why.. Despite how much he hurts me and everyone I love, and despite the fact that he has lied, and refused the help he needs on many occasions, he is my father. He is my flesh, and blood, and he is a part of me. He will always be a part of me. I can't escape that. And being who I am, knowing he is a part of me makes it extremely hard for me to walk away. I am incapable of knowingly hurting another person. I don't have it in me. While I don't think he will be terribly distraught, or at least it wouldn't stop him from being who he is, I know deep down, under all the sickness he would be hurt. He likes having me around, he likes having someone to share music with, and youtube videos. He is sick, mentally ill. He doesn't realize what he is doing to me. That makes it harder than any other reason. He doesn't see how he affecting me, so he wouldn't understand when I leave. My common sense and everyone around me is telling me to cut him out, but my heart and my conscious tell me that I can't just turn around and never speak to him again. I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to proceed. Either way I feel like I will end up hurting myself, as well as others.
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